


Two People Talking... Mozzie and Jeeves

by Sally M (sallymn)



Series: Two People Talking... [24]
Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse, White Collar
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallymn/pseuds/Sally%20M
Summary: "I'm a con man, A swindler. A scammer, a charlatan, a mountebank, a..."
Series: Two People Talking... [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/53327
Kudos: 6





	Two People Talking... Mozzie and Jeeves

**Two People Talking...**

The little man using - and, it must be said, doing it indifferently - the name Dante Haversham fixed his companion, who only gave one name, and did so with exquisite lack of fanfare. "Mr Jeeves, you don't get it." 

"And what, may I be so bold as to ask, do I not... get?" Besides the appallingly casual - even slothful - attire the little man seemed to believe makes for a respectable outfit... which Jeeves did not say out loud, but which the little man heard quite well. 

Yes, it was unquestionably undistinguished. Unexceptionable. Utterly unmemorable. Perfect for an ordinary citizen who wished to remain, as it were, discretely unnoticed in his singular occupation as... 

"I'm a con man, A swindler. A scammer, a charlatan, a mountebank, a..." 

"Mountebank, yes," his questioner added calmly. "I am well aware of your occupation, under each and every synonym you are more than welcome to use. However, I regret to have to inform you that your occupation is not, how shall I put it, germane to this regrettable matter. Indeed, if it were, we would not be _having_ this equally regrettable conversation." 

"Of course it's germane. Rule 43." 

"Really. Would that be the one about never giving an straightforward target the bare likelihood of success?" 

"A..." The little man stopped, though and shook his round head vigorously. "You mean a sucker an even break, right?" 

"I believe that is the colloquial term, yes." 

"Yes, well no. My rule on _that_ is 11B, and strictly need to know. And no offence, but no one except me needs to know." 

"I see. Then Forty-Three would be...?" 

"You should never should attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by avarice. After all," he looked up with wide, blinking, equally round eyes that were trying to look ingenuous... and, it must be said, utterly failing, "if you didn't want me to spread your secret miracle hangover cure around - for a price every time - you wouldn't have given me the secret to it." 

"Despite the incontestable truth that you gave your word." 

"And of we go back three minutes, we both know that I do that. All the time. I'm a con man. A wise man once said the fact that everyone lies is a universal truth, the only variable is about what; and after all, lies and fabrication, they are my tools of trade. Just like the miracle cure was, or still is, yours." 

"One minor one, true." 

"Not so minor, you shouldn't sell yourself short, and you really shouldn't deny it to the world at large. It's an complete wonder that could force the medical charlatans work for the drug companies to stop peddling placebos or poisons to honest tipplers with honest killer headaches -" 

"Like yourself." 

"I have _never_ \- in my _entire life_ \- used the word honest about myself, Mr Jeeves!" 

There was a long silence. 

"All right, unless I was working. I have to keep those tools in perfect working order, after all." 

"And you were working when you told myself and young Master Wooster -" 

"That I wouldn't give out your hangover cure to anyone? Of course I was. The thing is," with a shift in tone, friendly, confiding, even frank, "it's an asset, and just at the minute I do need to liquidate assets." 

"And that is because..." 

"Need to know again." 

"I see." 

"I didn't use your name, I give you my word." 

"Which as you have just pointed out -" 

"All right, I lie a lot." 

" _All the time_ , was the phrase you used." 

" _Most_ of the time might have been better," the little man muttered. "In any case, I didn't." 

The look _that_ assurance received from Jeeves was not one of confidence. "And which of your less than law-abiding pseudonyms _did_ you attach to my small remedy?" 

The little man sighed. "You don't really want to know, do you?" 

"I am afraid I must insist." 

"I didn't. They're all carefully crafted and still useful aliases, and I didn't see the need too throw any of them away to make a quick profit, at least, not unless I had to. So I used... a real name." 

"Are you telling me you used your own name?" 

"What? Oh no, I haven't used that since... well, that's another story, and I'll tell you one or two versions of it some time." 

"Then... what name did you use?" 

The little man sighed again, more heavily. "Wooster." 

"I... see." 

"So you might like to talk him into leaving New York very soon. Quick trip home to his loving family, or whatever. Before he finds out." 

"My dear Mr... Havisham, I doubt there will be any need for such measures. Mr Wooster has many excellent qualities, but they do not include any ability that I have discerned to see what is... as the saying goes, right in front of his face." 

"He might when the people I sold it to find out it isn't the miracle I sold it _as_." 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"It was like a salute to the history of my profession, you know." Those round eyes grew wistful. "I changed the recipe, sold them all a fake. A quack remedy. Snake oil. And I'm planning to do it again, as long as I can get away with it." 

"Really?" 

"It's what I am, and what I do. So you seem, I didn't really give your secret away, did I?" 

"No, and that is reassuring, Mr... Havisham," with a slight, pointed emphasis on the name, "but was quite unnecessary, as it happens." 

"It was?" 

"Of course." Jeeves gave him a small, composed smile. "After all, as I said, I am well aware of your profession." 

"You mean...?" Realisation dawned, and with it... yes, respect. Professional approval. Even a hint of awe. "You lied to me!" 

"I prefer to see it as economical with the truth. And, I should add, with the secret miracle cure's... secret ingredient." 

**\- the end -**

  


**Author's Note:**

> (Written for a dialogue challenge)


End file.
